Getting back up

I took a big knock to my confidence recently. In short, life circumstances have been really tough this past couple of weeks, and I've been engaging in some dysfunctional behaviours as a coping strategy for that. I really thought I was past this--but turns out it just takes the wrong circumstances for me to go right back. This has negatively affected my self image, as I'm not the person I thought I was.

I won't go into detail on what the behaviours are because I don't really want to talk about it, but the consequence is that I feel a loss of self confidence and trust in myself. After all, if given all the practices I can still do things that I'm really ashamed of.. then why bother? Better to go watch YouTube instead--at least that's fun.

And although I have definitely been YouTubing, I've made a real effort to remain resilient despite my experience of things being pointless right now. Mostly, this is because I don't feel I have a choice.. I don't want to go back to a life of low self esteem and self trust.

If I need to take some time to rebuild my trust in myself and connect with my life again, then I'll do that. I've found how to live a life full happiness and joy--not completely free from all circumstances, but that's cool with me. There's a few things I can reliably do every day to provide that joy. The challenge is that right now--those activities that used to bring me joy I find pointless. That's because the joy in them is related to my sense of a deeper meaning and that I'm living a life of purpose, and that's quite tied in to how I behave in my life.

I'm sure this will all work itself out, and that it'll be a learning journey in the end, but I thought it would be better to write about this today. It's not always possible to see the process when one's in it. And still, going to acknowledge myself for posting something today despite the current challenges.

In the end I'll take it as an exercise is self acceptance. As I start to accept where I am (where I really am), this gives me a platform from which to continue growing. I feel humbled by my own limitations, and ultimately the journey goes on. Better to recognise the truth about yourself when it's revealed! And then to move on from there with love :).